Tanetomo (narrating): My earliest memory is in Hakone Village. Much snow, very bright. A traitor or courtier had my whole family killed, my father I never got to saw died in a fight, my mother who was a concubine came here and then had me. We had to hide who we were, so I studied dengaku performance to get revenge.
Tanetomo (narrating): And then I did get revenge! By assassination plot via honey trap. And then I didn't have anything to live for anymore. I never really chose to live my life the way it turned out, it just happened that way because of circumstances.
Tanetomo (narrating): Can someone give my life meaning and give me orders, please? I can dance, but only if you order me to. Or you could just kill me now. That works too.
Present
Tanetomo: See how harsh the soldier life is, Warmonger style!
Shinya: So...you don't like me.
Tanetomo: I serve as a sword for my lord and I cannot waver personally.
Shinya: ...thank you. Oh, sorry for saying something weird. I'm starting to feel like I'm participating like everyone else now.
Tanetomo: I see you're good at confusing people! Now get shot like a good boy and give me a point!
Shinya: I-I'll do my best! Cupid!
Tiger Man: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Tanetomo: Tee hee, you sure move a lot for someone who didn't move to shoot down your targets.
Shinya: U-um, I'm not that good at moving around!
Tanetomo: That was sarcasm!
Shinya: ...Cupid!
Tanetomo: Oh no, I'm getting cross fired!
MC: Tanetomo! (runs closer)
Yasuyori: ADVISOOOOR
Tiger Man: Whoa, Yasuyori just chump blocked for Tanetomo!
Tanetomo: ...not bad, Shinya. But WE are better. (blapblapblap)
Shinya: Ah! Aww, I lost. Sorry everybody.
Tiger Man: ¡HÃjole! Tanetomo turnabout!
Tanetomo: (sigh) You've never changed at all, Yasuyori. Well if you want to die for me, go ahead.
Yasuyori: You're right to be mad...but I'll do the same thing again next time.
Tanetomo: ...ugh. What do you think, MC?
MC: I agree with Yasuyori / He probably just did it without thinking / dunno
Tanetomo: ...both of you? Fine, I'll say this. If you're a pawn in war, you have your own role to play. I mean, Role. If you're dying to protect me, go open a hole for me. What's the point of shielding a fellow soldier instead of someone more valuable? As advisor, I will abandon you if it comes to it, which is why I don't mind making you fall for me. At least get that through your head, thank you. And stop letting fake feelings push you to action.
MC: Okay, Yasuyori's turn to talk!
Yasuyori: ...I'm too dumb to make plans, so I act according to how my heart feels.
Tanetomo: ...are you saying it's not worth manipulating you? Fool.
Shinya: (gets up) Whew, nice fight. You did great, and it was enlightening.
MC: Nice fight, Shinya! You okay?
Shinya: Thank you, MC. It was fun, but a little frustrating. I'm taking archery seriously so I'm getting into this more than I expected. So can I say something, Tanetomo? We can't live alone, like how I'd die without Cupid. So I always thank him for being with me. You can just thank Yasuyori too...if he chose to do what he did himself.
Tanetomo: !? ...hahahaha! Okay you got me...thank you Yasuyori, MC. And I'm going to get you for this, Shinya. Okay, it should be time for him to arrive soon. Don't forget to do your part.
MC: Got it! / Love shot! / I'm not confident about this...
---
(C) Tanetomo: What? You can't possibly be saying you're scared now, are you?
---
Tanetomo: We're winning, but we can't be sure with him running around. We either knock him out, or less ideally time him out to win...here he comes!
BAM
Jacob: MC! There you are! I found you even though I'm blind!
Tanetomo: Taking initiative to shoot!
MC: Thanks Tanetomo! Did we win!?
Jacob: Hmm, baiting me with MC and trying to go for a knockout blow? Such love. But... (Mind's Eye activate!) Boxer Punch!
Tanetomo: OH NO
Tiger Man: Oooh, Tanetomo is out! Is Jacob unstoppable!?
Jacob: Tanetomo your snow gun is lovely. But I'm sorry my eyes can only see one thing (even though they can't see).
MC: Tanetomo! / welp
---
(A) Tanetomo: What is this absurd strength? You mock modern tactics? It's like you are a warrior from Myth with a capital M.
---
Jacob: I've exchanged love (and fists) with many, yet I keep thinking about you. Forgive me, I cannot contain myself.
MC: o-okay / WHY / I accept your love!
---
(B) Jacob: Because I remember your old love.
(C) Jacob: Let us let our hands speak, and please take my love.
---
Jacob: Okay now. FIGHT!
BATTLE START (more happens after)
Jacob: Ahh, is this bliss? I wish this could last forever.
MC: I am struggling to hang in there!
Girimekhala: JACOB I AM HERE TO HELP
Jacob: Wait, what!? No!
Girimekhala: Everyone told me not to but I wanna help! Bang bang!
MC: Oh no, reinforcements!
Yoritomo: Okay now is a good time.
Jacob: OH SHIT, Girimekhala, evasive maneuvers!
Girimekhala: What? (trips) AAAAAA
Jacob: No not this way!
Yoritomo: All according to keikaku. (fires launcher)
MC: WHAT
Jacob: FUCK
Girimekhala: AAAAAA
Tiger Man: Ay dios mio... Team Warmongers win!
Players: SCREAMING
MC: Oh my god we won! / (Hi-five!) / (Hug!)
---
(B) Yoritomo: What tengu sorcery are you trying to do?
(C) Yoritomo: How did this happen, I expected us being on the same team wo--STOPSTOPTOOCLOSE! I see your plot to turn me into a pretzel!
---
Yoritomo: ...why are you so happy? This is no great surprise. I said everyone should act freely, which means this would turn into a free for all. That in turn means only the strong would be left eventually, which gives me free reign to move even if remembering how the Missionaries moved gives me chills. I figured Tanetomo would try to set you up, and then I just had to wait.
MC: ...okay? / So if I lost...? / ...you saw everything coming?
(A) Yoritomo: Stay silent if you don't understand, you give me PTSD flashbacks.
(B) Yoritomo: Impossible Yoshitsune MC. I'd stop having ulcers if I knew where your limits were.
(C) Yoritomo: I'll never tell.
Yoritomo: ...we're on opposite sides next. My stomach is going to kill me, but it's better than having you with us. MC, we Warmongers only do what we must. We win without extravagance or disdaining our enemies. If you wish to enjoy the competition, go speak to the organizer and relief representative, although I heard they lost as soon as the first game started. Okay bye now. Fingers crossed we win without ever having to see you.
Shennong: Hey Problem Kid, how's it feel to be on the winning side?
MC: Nice, except for Yoritomo killstealing at the end.
Shennong: Ha! But I get you. His Majesty's mean like that.
Tanetomo: To deceive your enemies, first deceive your allies and all that. How far does his discerning eye see...? Frightening.
Yasuyori: I'm bad with plans so this time my orders were easy.
Tanetomo: We need to do a debriefing of your shameful performance and make sure you don't fall for an enemy again.
Yasuyori: Oh no!
MC: Go easy on him... / Put the screws to him. / STEP ON ME TOO
(A) Tanetomo: Hmm. Maybe if you two remember who you should be focusing your attentions on.
(B) Tanetomo: You hear that? MC agrees, so we should take our time on that.
Yasuyori: What did I do to you!?
(C) Tanetomo: Well if that's what you want, okay!
Tiger Man: Hey amigos! It's time for prepping the second match, so get to your strategy briefings!
Shennong: Oh it's time. Let's all have fun, okay?
Tanetomo: Don't think you'll win. His Excellency has ordered us to do so.
Yasuyori: I'll do my best!
MC: Bye!
Later
MC: Okay so the Missionaries meeting should be around here...
Girimekhala: Hey MC, you're on our side again! I'll do better next time!
Azazel: Thank you for waiting everyone, time to begin.
MC: Okay! Last time it didn't go on for long so I'm weirdly excited for this one!
Jacob: Everyone, I recommend we go for one particular strategy. This is a gun fight, so clearly we must charge them!
Missionaries: ...
MC: ...what
Jacob: :)
End of Episode
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