Flashback!
Cat A: Ugggghhhh we're gonna starve tomorrow at this rate.
Cat B: Meh, we'll just eat you then. Thanks, we'll remember you.
Cat C: Shut up and find a sucker to scam already.
Cat D: Hey he looks rich. Hey old man, come talk to us for a sec!
Fuxi: Did somebody call for a young man?
Cat C: Spare some change?
Cat B: We'll beat you up for it if you don't.
Fuxi: ...
Present
Simurgh sighs and holds his head after Zhurong runs off.
Simurgh: Fuxi...there's no room to change the plans now, is there?
Fuxi: Hmmmm, feeling guilty are we?
Simurgh: ...I'm just checking. I know we're doing this for money.
Simurgh: ...
Red: We don't have the resources to take them all. It's impossible.
Fuxi: ...things being impossible for me in front of my sister would be irritating, so very well. Let's see what we can change up.
Outside
Bertro: ...no such thing as a free lunch. It's impossible for everyone to win in a zero-sum game. Fuxi however is moving, changing his premises and recalculating his Christmas day plans...
Bertro's listening in on what's happening inside the mafia base.
Zhurong: Look, it's a snowman of you, Bertro!
Kenta: We made it together...what do you think?
Bertro: !! ...this? How am I supposed to react? I suppose I can call it unique--
MC: How about I make one next? / Let's make one together! / How...quirky
Koropokkur: It looks just like you in the ways I hate it.
Zhurong: MC, make yours next to mine!
Barguest: Okay you two, I made a big snowball.
Somewhere a child is crying.
Children: Weeeh...you aren't Santa? Santa's not coming this year...
Hotei: Sorry y'all this ain't a present bag. Hmm...look, a pretty crystal! Hey wait, I was supposed to get Christmas, not a crystal! Eh? Eh?
...
Children: WAAAAH
Hotei: OH NO please stop cryin' y'all!
MC: Hotei! / Wow those kids are crying...
Hotei: MC! What's up? Ya come to see me~? Oh wait, no time for jokes! Uhh...
Bertro: My time has come! Let me do it!
Hotei: Well ain't you confident? Tough crowd tho? Christmas is over so I--
Bertro: I actually brought presents for the children waiting for Santa.
MC: Wow! / U-uhh... / This cannot end well
Bertro: Look at this random sampling of Santa riddles! If you want a second part that's over a hundred times longer, let me know!
...
Children: Don't want it!
Hotei: Hahaha! I don't get it, but havin' a unique perspective is funny! I challenge you to a joke battle!
Bertro: You're on!
BATTLE START (more happens after)
Hotei: Y'all, look at my silent Santa act!
Children: You suck! Get the REAL Santa!
Hotei: GAAASP
Bertro: Oh, you don't like my jokes either...I guess this is a draw. Sorry I couldn't cheer you all up, but I WILL promise you something: you will have a Christmas miracle tonight.
Children: Really? You promise?
Bertro: I'll do my best. So come on, please smile.
MC: I guess that's fine then / Can you even keep that promise? / I'm here to help too
Koropokkur: You better not make them cry because you couldn't make it happen.
Teda: Eh, he'll figure it out!
Bertro: I can't do it alone though. Will you help?
MC: Sure! Let's do it for the kids! / Stop being reckless.
Kenta: W-will Santa really come? I thought it was too late this year...
Zhurong: Bertro, please let us help!
Bertro: Thanks! Barguest, Hotei, will you two help too?
Hotei: Yeppers!
Barguest: Okay. The children were looking forward to getting presents.
MC: Sooo what's the plan? It's almost night.
Bertro: Do you know why Santa only comes one night a year?
Koropokkur: Because that's what people believe.
Bertro: Correct. Which means we can just redo Christmas itself here in Arakawa. And that means...
Great expectations!
Bertro: ...uh, what should we do actually?
Everyone else: GASP
Teda: Haha, you're such a clown Guildmaster!
Koropokkur: We don't have time for jokes now!
Bertro: Kidding. I couldn't help it with everyone hanging on to what I was saying. You guys normally don't emote much so that reaction was great. And thanks Teda for emoting enough for several people.
Teda: So you finally appreciate me!
Koropokkur: Yeah sure, whatever. Hurry up and explain.
Bertro: Okay, so. We need enough of the people in Arakawa to believe Christmas is coming back again, which is the same as getting the city all decorated up. That might be enough to get Santa's bag that Simurgh has working.
Barguest: Not to be a downer, but is getting people to believe even possible...?
Bertro: We have a good enough chance. All of Arakawa is looking forward to Christmas, right? Also in Kitezh, the Holy Night faith lasts to the end of the year. Third, something important changed a little while ago. A previously calculated vision of the future has been redone, so now there's a special solution that's been added. It's never too late even with limited conditions.
MC: Great! There's still other problems though.
Hotei: Yeah, ain't Christmas already over? There ain't that many places still sellin' decorations.
Bertro: Yes, which is why we need to get them ourselves. And that's why we need you and Barguest since you two are familiar with Arakawa. We're going dumpster diving and picking over ruined buildings! Everyone else, go check with Don Simurgh and Fuxi to find what's usable. There should be plenty of things here.
Flashback for some reason!
Cat A: Ow. How'd the dragon dude flip out and kick all our asses like that?
Cat B: I can't believe he was such a freak! You really can't judge a book by its cover...
Cat C: HELP
Cat D: Look, there's a weak looking shorty coming this way.
The cats drag Bertro to a back alley and push him over.
Bertro: Uhh, did you need something? Haven't I seen you somewhere before...?
Bertro starts spilling the names of the cats he looked up and no one else was supposed to know.
Cat D: OH NO HE KNOWS OUR NAMES! How!?
Bertro: I came from the few-churr! Kidding. Anyways, you.
Cat A: M-me!?
Bertro: Yes, you. I came to tell you that you have a grand mission.
Cat D: Wow, I knew you were different!
Cat C: What's his mission?
Bertro: ...sorry, I was kidding. Things always go that way but I didn't expect you to believe...
Cat A: No, I'm sorry. I was hoping this would finally turn my life around...
Bertro: ...
Cat A: ...
Bertro: ...want to try to make it happen anyways? It's a long shot though. And you know, no such thing as a free lunch. War means being ready to make some sacrifices.
Hmm. Cyborg Boy makes sense to the cats.
Present
Simurgh: Christmas decorations? Now?
Fuxi: Guildmaster Bertro suggested it. I thought of the same thing.
MC: So, any ideas? / Bro, will you come with? / Come on, Simurgh!
---
(A) Fuxi: Well, Don Simurgh opened up some shops with those in stock. One moment, let me help get changed.
(B) Fuxi: You're asking me? OH! One moment while I change into a Santa just for you, eheehEHHEHE
(C) Simurgh: Why ask me? If you just need more manpower, I'll assign some men.
Fuxi: Aww, my sister's just being considerate of you. You could make up with Zhurong while you're at it.
---
Fuxi: Now let's go, Don Simurgh! We have a Santa suit for you!
Fuxi half-drags Simurgh to the next room. Someone offers MC a drink.
Red: A hot drink for you. I'm not as good as the don, but warm yourself up.
MC: O-oh, thank you / Can I have your number?
(AB) Red: Please don't burn yourself.
(C) Red: C-could I not? Your brother would kill me.
Simurgh is squawking angrily in the next room over. This might take a while.
MC: So...what's the don like? He's not as scary as I thought he'd be.
Red: He's easily misunderstood, but to us he's very kind. We didn't have families of our own, and many of us were saved from the brink of death.
Red's one of them too. He seems traumatized from the experience.
Red: If the don is acting differently this time with the enemies, I'm sure he would have accepted them as family even if he were pushing it. He reaches out for anyone, so we all admire him like real family.
The door to the next room starts turning.
Red: They must be done. Please don't tell the don we talked about this.
MC: That sounds nice / He's cool / (quietly nod)
Fuxi: Hello, your very own Santa is here!
Simurgh: ...why do I have to dress like this too?
MC: Okay, let's go outside. / Big Bro, you're the best! / Simurgh, you look great!
---
(B) Fuxi: And you're the best little sister. Let's have Zhurong take a picture of us later!
(C) Simurgh: Spare me your flattery...but if you really mean it I can hold you in my arms.
---
Red: You truly look great, Don. Let me get ready to take a picture.
Simurgh: Hurry up before I lose all my dignity.
Outside
Barguest: Kenta, can you put those decorations up there? You can sit on my shoulders.
Kenta: Okay! I'm excited for Christmas, Uncle.
MC: Whoa!
Hotei: Looks good, huh? I didn't think it'd come this far!
Simurgh: This is a surprise...
Bertro: Haha, how is it Don Simurgh? This looks like enough to bring Christmas back, right?
Zhurong: Bertro, where do I put this? ...oh. (stiffens face upon noticing Simurgh) I'll just come back later!
Simurgh: Wait! ...Zhurong, I'm sorry for being harsh earlier.
Zhurong: You don't hate me? I'm not bothering you...?
Simurgh: Of course not. I was actually worried that you hated me instead...
Zhurong smiles, then gasps to himself and runs over to MC.
Zhurong: I really was sad...but it's okay now! MC, will you be my big brother/big sister/stay with me?
Simurgh: >:C
MC: I sense murder vibes...! / Sure Zhurong! / (smugface)
Zhurong: ...Uncle you look great in that Santa suit. Can I take a picture?
Simurgh: ...you can play so dirty. How can ever I say no in this situation?
Simurgh holds Zhurong and a picture is taken of them with a big tree behind them.
Zhurong: Yay, let's all take a picture together with MC in the center!
Teda: I call dibs next to MC! Get my best side!
Fuxi: I'll take MC's other side then. Go ahead and lean on me if he makes you uncomfortable.
Bertro: No, I'll stand next to MC. Can one of you stand back?
Zhurong: But I wanna stand next to MC!
MC: Come on, we can take multiple pictures with everyone in turn. / Ehehehehe...
Simurgh gets made cameraman so everyone can have a picture.
Simurgh: ...let me thank you for making Zhurong feel better, MC. I promise I'll pay you back.
MC: Don't make him sad again / Don't worry about me, just do something for Zhurong
Simurgh: ...I think I understand why everyone wants you a little more. You're a good egg, makes me wish you'd be part of my family.
MC: what / OKAY / Pass to underworld work
(A) Simurgh: Why blush? Heh, you the type to crumble when someone makes a move on you even though you're gutsy?
(B) Simurgh: (sigh) Don't be so quick to decide your life. Give it some thought, and if you still want that, then you better be ready. Mafia vows are blood oaths. Resignations not accepted, heh.
Simurgh: Anyways, if those guys attack you just come back here so I can protect you.
The Arakawa children are starting to gather.
Boy A: Wow, is Christmas coming back!?
Boy B: Is Santa really coming back? I hope so...
Hotei: So Bertro the kids are coming, but is the bag doin' anything yet?
Hertro: Not yet. I just checked, and nothing...
Teda: Are we missing something?
Bertro: No, we decorated enough. So what we don't have enough is...
Children: Um, thank you for doing this for us! And sorry for pushing you about it...
Bertro: No, I should apologize too. I was harsh, but it's true that contest was a bit disadvantageous. But don't worry, there's still other possibilities to try.
And then Bertro walks toward the darkness.
MC: Bertro? Where you going? That's a back alley...
Bertro: I figured I'd get some space. Arakawa should have enough Christmas faith right now, but Santa's bag isn't reacting. I might be the reason why.
MC: What do you mean? I doubt it.
Bertro: Nothing is impossible. I think so because Santa's never visited me. I might not be seen as a child, or maybe I'm only seen as a mere computer. Or maybe it's because I don't believe in Santa myself. Or maybe I just know too much about how the world works and I stopped being a child long ago? ...haha!
Bertro frowns and makes engine noises upon seeing MC's face as they listen.
Bertro: Oh, I didn't mean to make you feel that way... Don't worry. I want to see if my presence is keeping more Christmas faith from gathering here, that's it. I'll come back right away if nothing changes.
MC: So you won't come back if something DOES change...?
Bertro just makes more engine noises. Some children come over.
Children: Santa, thank you for Christmas!
Bertro is confused and looks at MC.
Bertro: Um, I'm not Santa. Sorry.
Children: We know! But we never seen this place so pretty before, so we wanted to thank you for the great memories even if you aren't the real Santa!
Bertro: ...
MC: You should say something. / It came out great, they said.
Bertro: I...didn't expect you to be that happy about it. There's still some insufficient results too.
Children: Come write wishes with us to put into stockings!
MC: Come on Santa / They're calling you Santa / Let's be Santa together
Bertro: ...okay. Let's go together. If Santa's bag starts working, I'll make your wishes come true...that was a joke. I guess I really don't have a talent for that.
MC: What are you going to write, Bertro? I'll be your Santa.
Bertro: My wish already came true. I'm happy right now since my actions have made children that happy.
MC: ...what is humor to you? Why do you care about it so much?
Bertro: ...hmm. I say for humor, things that repeat the same way aren't fun. And humor is something only humans can do. Machines can always come up with the same calculations, but humans could take the same conditions and come up with something else. Do you understand MC? That's something only humans can do. I lost that long ago in the Academy. I wanted to true out every possibility for this bit of homework, but you stopped me.
MC: Aren't you glad I stopped you? / I wanted to be with my friends. / It happens.
Bertro: ...thank you, my best friend. Yes, I was very glad you stopped me. There IS one other hypothesis, but I was afraid of testing it and failing. I wanted to avoid directly facing it and a cruel reality.
Somehow Bertro's engine noises sound like they're shaking.
Bertro: I'm okay now. If those children are calling me Santa and you are calling me your friend, then my machine self also still has my human self.
And so Bertro smiles like other children.
End of Episode
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