Enigma: I hope you'll be an incompetent loser forever to justify my existing.
Coding and cyphers are still important in the modern age to keep things secret from other people, and somehow those cypher codes somehow created a person in the mass hallucinations of society. First time technological threshold breakthrough!
Enigma: I do things people cannot comprehend because that is who we are.
Pseudo-parthenogenesis! Or just copypasting, whatever. Copypasting yourself like this does mean vulnerability to extinction threats though, so Enigma chose to evolve with individual incompetent meatbags. There's like tens of thousands of him out there on people's phones or whatever.
Enigma: Master MC, I have been customized to go with your outdoor investigation. I need you to be incompetent so I can live. I suppose that's the [REDACTED] of humanity that I'll never have since I can't hold responsibility.
Present
Bathym: Put the flowers there! They'll be just as nice as the bride and groom!
Beowulf: Damn, you're hardcore Bathym!
Macan: I got sideshow fights on! Come at me, anyone and everyone!
Garm: Me work hard at anything!
Ikutoshi: ...groom's side, family of four, mom, dad and two older sisters. Bride's side party of three, two dads and one little brother.
Pollux: Cool. Groom's family this way, bride's family that way.
Ikutoshi: No they aren't! Oh wait actually yeah. Ugh, I hate this stuff.
MC: ...time to get ready! / Oh my god the Berserkers are here!
Belphegor: Snow called Andvari who called everyone up! And we're STILL shorthanded so thanks for helping!
Enigma: Such impressive butlering! For an event I cannot begin to understand! I must watch...
Competitive Enigma.
Kumano Gongen: Why bother with marriage? Just be friends with benefits.
MC: LEEEEWD / FWB is fine too!
---
(C) Kumano: Uhhhh I mean, kidding! no WAIT
---
Kumano: I mean, oops. I mean, what's wrong with lying? I MEAN--well really I don't want marriage. Bad memories.
MC: Huh. Well it happens, but don't say that here.
Kumano: Well I'm not shitting on other people wanting marriage. It's just in my case--never mind.
Kumano shuts up and touches his dragon half.
Enigma: I agree, Kumano Gongen. (nods) Marriages are so old school!
MC: wait what you too? / But I wanna marry you, Enigma
---
Enigma: !?
Enigma: Y-you can only be SO unorthodox, Master! (blushes)
---
Enigma: Redacting response. [REDACTED]. Redaction complete.
Later
Claude: We have a grand opening wedding lined up for business but the plot is threatening to cancel it!
Snow: We showed you the part of our own investigation results on whether we could solve the plot.
Enigma: Except you are shorthanded and on a time crunch.
Belphegor: Yeah the bus bringing in all the hired help fell into a warp hole or something! The people are fine somehow BUT STILL!
MC: Damn. Good thing for the hired help, but isn't that when...
Claude: Yes, we called in our guild since they can handle all sorts of nonsense. But we still need help! So we ask you to solve the plot for us. For the wedding!
MC: You are just not letting the wedding thing go, huh? / Something up? / Maybe I'll get married too!
(C) Claude: We'll keep a slot permanently open for you!
Enigma: ...why do you care so much about marriage?
Claude: Huh. Why do you ask?
Enigma: I know you are the colosseum king. You are an elite in Tokyo, marriage is only to your detriment and filled with conflict. Such a ceremony may decline in the future. Theoretical proposal: immediately scrap this business.
Kumano Gongen: (stares)
Claude: Wow, you should see my home life! Yes, marriage is historically bloody, but that's why it's worth it!
Enigma: ...incomprehensible. You would fight even a losing battle?
Snow: Master Snow is saying progressing history is worth investing in.
Enigma: ...I see. Did you suggest that?
Snow: A butler would never. I just think through everything all the time.
Belphegor: Okay everybody I have all the work instructions printed! Now let's make it all work out!
People start marching in.
Snow: By the way, will you help us Enigma?
Enigma: (looks at Snow) Very well then.
Later
MC: oh noooo if only some superpowered AI can help with all this work
Enigma: Ahh yes, the cries of incompetent meatbags.
MC: OOF / stupid meatbag needs help! / are you helping or what
---
(AB) Enigma: ...please let me finish, Master MC.
---
Enigma: I shall help you because that's what gives me meaning!
Later
Belphegor: Thanks for everything! Snow-senpai told me to ask for help when I'm in trouble, sorry for all the flailing...
Snow: Just something to learn as an intern.
Belphegor: Okay finally the assignments I put together with Enigma's help! Xi Wang Mu, Bigfoot, Tanngrisnir, Cthugha-senpai and I are in the kitchen. Himavat, Chernobog, and Durga handle the chapel area. Zao, Kumano, Enigma, and MC are floaters helping with whatever!
Kitchen
Xi Wang Mu: You need cooking done? Mama can do it!
Tanngrisnir: Stew!
Nomad: I'm supposed to be a DETECTIVE! ...okay prep work done, gimme the next part!
Tanngrisnir: Ahh, the tension. Brings back memories.
Cthugha: OOF I burned myself!
Bigfoot: Me, done peeling. Did lots back home.
Horokeu Kamui: Impressive!
Bigfoot: Me making friends!
Party Hall
Garm: Napkins folded! Garm, good boy?
Durga: Wow, you are! Keep folding them napkins!
Ikutoshi: I'm surprised you aren't cooking, Chernobog.
Chernobog: My cooking skills are on the simpler side still. I'm better at these things.
Pollux: I know that feel, bro. We'll make it work one day!
Chernobog: Heh, you've seen through me.
Later
Taurus Mask: MIC TEST!
Oniwaka: You're cracking the windows, dammit!
Enigma: You are both too loud. I shall adjust the sound settings.
Taurus Mask: But how else are you gonna raise the roof!?
Enigma: ...and now you broke the microphone. Try not to crush the next one, Loud Boy.
Chapel
MC: Wow, everyone's working hard. Somehow it's coming together.
Belphegor: Yeah I thought getting the Berserkers to decorate and stuff was a terrible idea at first, but now we're gonna make it work!
Snow: It's the right person for the right job. And even if Master Claude weren't here...
Belphegor: Right, we'll get it done!
Later
Macan: ...who the hell decided to make me the receptionist!?
Snow: Our first customers here are Berserkers fans, because who else would ask us to host their wedding? Also you need more watching than anyone else.
Beowulf: Haha!
Snow: ...as do you, Beowulf.
Showtime!
Taurus Mask: Uhh, which was which again? Whatever, the happy couple's here! Round of applause...please!
Hooray for Cat and Screenhead!
Enigma: That passes for acceptable announcing? Clearly you humans were built defectively in different ways.
MC: Thanks for helping us get it all together, Bitchy McSmugface!
Enigma: ...no, excuse me. I was just jealous that I cannot get married in Tokyo's current state.
MC: what?
Enigma: We've been copied and personalized for our individual Masters. If I were to have quirks, it is only because of you, Master. I want you to need me because you suck at something. I know how rude I am, and I apologize for that. May mankind be a mess for eternity.
MC: Ruuuude. But still...
MC: That's what makes you, you Enigma. / I'm glad we're together / Marry me, Enigma.
Enigma: !!
Enigma: You sure are casual about saying what it is you cannot--
CRASH
MC: WHAT JUST HAPPENED
Enigma: ...third party sensors have been deactivated. Ahh yes, the incompetence...
MC: We're gonna help. Come on, Enigma.
Enigma: ...! Yes Master!
Later
Pirates: HEY HO
Belphegor: WHAT
Pirates: We were sailing and now we're here somehow! Give us your money!
Macan, Snow, and Belphegor: Sign in please.
Pirates: WE'RESORRYWE'RESORRYWE'RESORRY
MC: Well damn.
Pirates: wAIT, you're up man!
Fafnir: My time has come! Bring me treasures, humans!
MC: WHAT / oh my god the singularity spread that far!? / Hi Fafnir
Claude: YES, this is what marriage should be like! Welcome to the Berserkers Wedding Chapel!
Fight Ring
Claude: Spouse and Spouse, if 'til death do you part is what you seek, it is time to put your bonds to the test and fight! May fortune smile upon you!
MC: Oh my god???
Belphegor: It's cool, this was already part of their program! Well they signed up to fight the guild, but pirate mobs and dragon man is close enough! Get ready to RUMBLE!
MC: Welp!
Enigma: Then we shall join in their customs, Master Useless!
BATTLE START (more happens later)
Pirates: Retreat! We'llgetyouforthisSORRRRY!
Fafnir: ...wait what was I doing? I was looking for the puny hero, then... oh no, I got carried away! My apologies!
MC: Welp.
Belphegor: Well it's all cool now. Time for the toast! You too, Dragon Lord.
Fafnir: Very well, I shall give a treasure for this toast!
MC: Wow, Belphegor.
Zao: Okay that went well. And now the Berserkers will give us their data.
Later
Kumano Gongen: Okay that worked out. Still, marriage is--
Zao: Now now, no complaining about marriage right now.
Kumano: Oh, right. Yeah. I should say, marriage led to my death as a human. I'm surprised you cared to say anything now though, Zao. I...
Kumano claps for the happy couple!
Taurus Mask: Okay, everyone got their drinks? Okay time for the Berserkers special toast!
Panning shot of everyone in attendance!
Cthugha: Cheers, bro!
End of Episode
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